“My brother-in-law and his new girlfriend told me they were pregnant and were going to abort,” the woman wrote. “Over three weeks we talked about this choice before they finally determined to abort my niece or nephew. My grief is now off the charts, but I still want to offer them unconditional love. Can you help me?”
Aborted children don’t show up on a missing person’s list. Their remains aren’t in mortuaries or funeral homes. They are often unacknowledged by their parents which means the secret of their brief lives is rarely shared with others. That doesn’t mean there isn’t related grief when this truth is discovered.
Talking with a family member who is considering abortion is often very difficult. Even when you were not involved in the abortion decision, you can still feel responsible.
Here were 10 comforting points to help this aunt’s heart. This list can help anyone who is grieving the death of an unknown family member through abortion:
It’s Not Your Fault – Your family member’s eventual decision to end the life of the tiny human they had conceived is not your fault. You may have presented the truth of abortion’s potential damage logically. It made no difference and that is the way God laid out this child’s life. We cannot comprehend God’s plan in these grieving moments. Just remind yourself that you were not responsible for a decision someone else made regarding abortion.
Keep their Abortion Truth Confidential – Process this truth personally. Wait on God in these hard moments and search His word for comfort. Ramah International’s HerChoicetoHeal.com ministry team is available to help if you feel overwhelmed. Abortion truths typically do spill out eventually. It’s part of the process of justifying the choice when the pain appears on our heart’s doorstep.
Learn about Abortion Pain and Recovery – Visit HerChoicetoHeal.com for more information about Abortion PTSD to help you when you meet with the parents of the aborted child. Anyone who has lost someone close to abortion is post-abortive at a secondary level. Sitting through an abortion recovery program couldn’t hurt, even as an observer. There are many blogs at RamahsVoice.com that can help build your understanding of abortion pain and ways to help when the related parents come to that point.
Abortion Doesn’t Make Anyone a Bad Person – Most chose abortion in a “logical” way which can be painful for those who want them to choose life. Afterwards they often endure a stage of “relief” where they are happy about their abortion choice. I aborted believing it was the “mature” thing to do. I didn’t have the attitude of a serial killer when I walked into that abortion clinic. Never assume people that abort are bad people.
God has a Plan so Praise Him in Advance – I am proof positive that God can not only heal this pain but use it for His own glory to spare others from the same fate. Keep that in focus when you are with this child’s parents. God is clearly educating you about the deep grief that post-abortive people and their family endure. That process can be difficult, but it will make you stronger and build your faith. Praise God, not for the abortion, but for how He will turn this death for His good. When we praise Him in advance, we mess up the enemy and diminish the ongoing spiritual attack.
Thank God if You Had a Voice in this Abortion Decision – If you were able to speak for the unborn child before they were aborted, focus your heart on the fact that God gave you an amazing opportunity to save this child’s life. That is something you can remember when the enemy tries to convince you of his lie that your efforts were just not enough. They were enough! You were there for these parents but had no control over their final decision. Get ready for the impacted individual to eventually seek out your comfort.
Name This Child – Naming this child can help you grieve at a more tangible level. We all hope that at some point the child’s parents can rename then. If so, your name for this baby can become a “nickname.” In the meantime, go ahead and ask God for this child’s name. He welcomed that child home to His care and gave him/her a name. My child’s name is Jesse, which could work for a girl or a boy.
Grieve this Child – Grief is God’s way of humbling us and drawing us close to His comfort. Give yourself permission to cry whenever tears come for this lost family member. You can also have a memorial for this child. Plant a tree or do something else creative to tangibly remember this lost family member. That memorial piece can remind you to pray for this couple as well as remember this lost child.
Document Your Conversations with Them – The post-abortion process often involves forgetting the details of the event. It will be a wonderful thing to have your memories recorded so that you can share with them to fill in any holes in their memory when God moves them to understand that they lost a child. It will comfort you to document any truths about abortion if you were able to talk to them.
Forgive Them for Wounding You – Realize they did not abort to specifically wound you. They had other reasons for making choice. Sometimes we need to ask for God’s help on a daily basis to forgive those who have wounded us. He is always there to help!
Don’t Discuss Abortion Politics – Be careful discussing abortion around them. Most endure a “relief” phase afterwards which is very normal but temporary. When that relief fades, they often fear judgement by others. Every word you speak against abortion can be absorbed by their souls as judgment and condemnation towards them.
Always believe that God can heal families touched by abortion. This verse gives us all comfort – Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:8-10