“I thought they killed you up there!” my boyfriend announced as he met me outside the abortion clinic where my unborn child had just died.

As the father of my aborted baby announced the possibility of my demise during that procedure, I wondered what other risks I could be facing as a result of this choice.  That was a chilling prospect.

Before my abortion, this boyfriend had packaged abortion as the ONLY solution to my unplanned pregnancy.

“Abortion is legal for a reason, Sydna,” he had cajoled. “Teenagers make horrible parents!”

Wincing from this wounding remark, I worked to convince myself of his point.  It was tough because my heart was falling in love with my unborn child. Abortion seemed like a brutal prospect.

Outlining I wasn’t losing a “baby” but simply a “blob of tissue” was his second promotional point for abortion.

“It’s a clump on cells that needs to be removed from your body before it can form into something,” he had assured me.  “It’s not a baby.”

Today, life-affirming pregnancy centers use ultrasounds to introduce men and women in unplanned pregnancies to the vivid humanity of their unborn child. Ultrasounds are a powerful influencer against abortion’s “blob of tissue” perspectives. Sadly, ultrasounds were extremely expensive in 1981 and we could not afford one.

Even with the “blob” perspective, I still wasn’t convinced abortion was the best choice. So this young man worked harder to influence an abortion decision by making darker points.

“If you intend on having this baby, let me tell you what that would look like,” he announced coldly. “I will tell everyone that it’s not my child. My parents won’t support you and you know your folks will put you in the streets. Our college expels pregnant, unwed students so you won’t have any way to support this child. I don’t see how you have any other choice but to abort. It’s in the best interest of the child, Sydna.”

The “best interests of the child” point struck home in my heart. Like a fool, I believed that point stronger than the others. My heart rationalized that I couldn’t provide for a baby without his father’s support. My parents had divorced in 1974 and I swore no child of mine would grow up like I had without a father.

My boyfriend would repeat each barbaric point many times before my abortion appointment.

When we arrived at the clinic, he announced, “I’m not waiting in a room full of weeping women. But if you come out still pregnant, I’ll leave you here in the streets.”

Walking into that clinic, I continued to hear two very different perspectives on this choice. I felt like a cartoon character being influenced by a tiny angel on one shoulder and a red horned devil on the other. Both voices offered different perspectives.

The angelic voice warned I’d regret this choice for the rest of my life. The demon outlined abortion was the “noble” choice that would spare my child from a horrific life on Earth.

Once the abortion clinic door closed behind me, I felt my decision was made. I couldn’t fathom what I would do pregnant and alone in the streets of Indianapolis. There was no other choice in my mind.

As my boyfriend met me announcing joyfully that I had not died in that abortion clinic, another realization took hold in my heart. He had waited in his car, thinking the abortion clinic staff was killing me. He did not come to rescue me.

This “knight in shining armor” then fell off his horse with a loud clunk. He never regained his knightly position. I hated him instantly for how he had pushed me to abort. I had been very foolish in listening to his abortion rhetoric.

Driving back to the Christian college we were attending, I quietly prepared myself for the next fact about my abortion.   No one could ever discover this truth!

Our relationship then descended to a new level of viciousness. Using the abortion as blackmail, this boyfriend had another manipulation in mind.

“If you don’t give me sex,” he outlined, “I’ll tell everyone about your abortion. I’ll say I didn’t know you were pregnant. Everyone will give me sympathy and reject you, Sydna.”

I was foolish to believe the brutal mindset of a young man who didn’t want to be a father.  As a result, I spent several months as his sex slave.

Eleven years after my child’s death through abortion, a pregnancy center’s abortion recovery ministry program helped peace come back into my heart. Had I walked into a pregnancy center versus Planned Parenthood in 1981, I know my child would be alive today. All I needed was direct support to avoid such a foolish choice that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

Today it is my joy to converse with abortion-vulnerable women who are hearing the exact same mixed-up messages from their boyfriends. By directing them to their local pregnancy center, they will receive the support they need to make a better choice than abortion, with or without the support of their baby’s father.

If you are in an unplanned pregnancy, be sure to first visit your local pregnancy resource center https://ramahinternational.org/help-in-your-area/). If you are struggling with a past abortion decision, and Ramah can help in any way, please write me at sydnamasse@gmail.com.

Sydna Masse is President & Founder or Ramah International and author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion.

Abortion Recovery Blog Sydna Masse

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