“Why would I want to hold your hand?” I naively responded to the “nurse” at the abortion clinic as she helped me onto the surgical table.

Her matter-of-fact response sent chills through my body, “Because you didn’t pay extra for anesthesia so this is going to hurt…

I asked no more questions but actively pondered fleeing the clinic.

My boyfriend, who was waiting downstairs in his car, had made his perspective clear just thirty minutes earlier.

“You are on your own from here,” he said as he parked the car. “That waiting room is filled with weeping women. I don’t need to be there…”

Weeping women? What was he talking about? How did he know what that room was like? Had he taken other women to have abortions?

He then assumed a harsher tone, “If you come out of that clinic still pregnant, I’ll leave you in the streets of Indianapolis, and tell everyone that it’s not my child. You can’t prove anything, Sydna.

Before DNA tests, it would have been difficult to “prove” he was my baby’s daddy. It didn’t matter if I “wanted” an abortion or not. I did not believe I had any other choice.

I quickly grabbed the nurse’s offered hand.

Enduring a vacuuming of your uterus without anesthesia is likely the most barbaric surgical procedure a woman can experience. I’ve given birth to three sons with no pain relief. The combined agony of these three deliveries could NEVER match the torture I endured at the hands of that abortionist.

This same hand-holding nurse soon used her other hand to cover my mouth to stifle my screams when the procedure began. She nearly suffocated me.

The next morning I was horrified to view the abortionist’s hand prints on my upper thighs. I had fought so hard to escape the pain that he had been forced to hold me down on the table. The result was bruising in the shape of his two hands. It took three weeks for those bruises to fade.

Eleven years later, when I first read the symptom list of Abortion PTSD, I finally realized how much my abortion had impacted my life. It was a relief to know my ongoing emotional, spiritual and psychological issues were related to my abortion. If I knew what was wrong, I hopefully could fix it!

The fifth Center for Medical Progress video features a discussion about how to produce “intact fetal cadavers.” Around 12:20 minutes, the abortion worker outlines, “There’s also times when … You’ve pretty much maxed out and, that’s their (pain) tolerance so it’s a little bit more difficult… And if they’re completely relaxed, it’s easier to not do so many passes with the forceps…”

Maxed out pain is exactly the way I felt in leaving that clinic. Clearly, the real “war on women” takes place in abortion clinics, primarily run by Planned Parenthood.

The blood curdling screams I overheard while lying in the “recovery room” revealed that no one paid extra for anesthesia that day.  It is one thing to scream yourself. It is a deeper “war-like” PTSD trauma to listen to other women screaming and not go and help them.  My guilt over abandoning those women compounded my heartache.

The sobbing in the room increased by many decibels with each “procedure” to offset the ensuing screams that were audible nearly every ten minutes.

When I left that clinic that day, my child was dead and I was mortally wounded. Perhaps as many as 100 children were killed that Saturday morning at that Indianapolis abortion clinic. This level of death and deep wounding can only be outlined by the term, “war.”

Nothing confirmed my child’s death more than the birth of my son, Bruce, seven years later.  I nearly lost him at 16 weeks due to a condition my OB/GYN outlined was likely related to my abortion.  He felt my uterine lining had been weakened by the abortion. Bruce’s placenta had detached – a condition called ” placenta abruptia.”  In diagnosing this situation, the doctor did an ultrasound that ended the “blob of tissue” theory.  My unborn child was kicking me and sucking his thumb.  What “blob” does that?

When they put Bruce in my arms, and I felt motherly love for the very first time, my abortion trauma went off the charts.   My lost child began to haunt my heart at a far deeper level.  Emotional agony ensued but I kept quiet, unable to even voice the word “abortion.”

Planned Parenthood’s secret weapon in continuing their real war on women rests in the fact that women RARELY publicly admit to an abortion. We often provide fake names and sign everything without reviewing to get through the process as fast as possible.

I remember distinctly signing a form that released the abortionist from any liability. I didn’t even know what “liability” meant so I had to look it up later! I could have easily granted them the right to use my child’s body in scientific research as well.  I’ll never know due to my haste to resolve my unplanned pregnancy.

Until the release of the Center for Medical Progress’s videos, millions of America’s post-abortive audience – a staggering one third of all women – had no proof of our war-like mistreatment at abortion clinics. Now the world can understand what we endured without our having to publicly revel this personal choice.

If you are one of the war-torn who endured abortion(s), Ramah International is here to help. Abortion recovery programs are available all over the nation to help you at an emotional, psychological and spiritual level find God’s forgiveness and healing. Obtaining a copy of Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion can help you begin this journey to peace. You can also write me personally at sydna@ramahinternational.org.

The real war on woman occurs in abortion clinics where one is dead and one is wounded. Thank you, Center for Medical Progress, for documenting our trauma and opening the eyes of America to our pain!

Sydna Masse is the President & Founder of Ramah International and author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion.

Abortion Recovery Blog Sydna Masse

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